~jbonnough

Well, I came to the site to enter in a blog... Because this is one site that the work network still allows... When I got to the da homepage, I got distracted by some artwork and went to that users site... also on their site is some line art that could be conistered...... innaproproate for the work network... might get my account banned now just for going to it... damn...

its almost 1am and I am still up.. not for lack of being tired, but because my mind is still just racing... I cannot stop worrying about some things, thinking about some things and just plain being depressed...
I'm trying not to let it effect me, but well, what can I say.. everything seems to effect me.... because I let it.... I kno...
if only I could put what I feel into words, hopefully I could release some of this... but even if I were able to release it, would it make things any better???!!!??? I feel like it wouldn't...
Why does it matter that every moment I spend with her..... it feels like I fall all over again..... every time I see her and every moment we are around each other.... That I was so very much not expecting to see her and how that when I did, I was so unprepared for that complete rush of emotions that I couldn't stop shaking... and because I fell like I have complete and total lack of control of my emotions, I do the only thing that I I can control... I just shut down... I do my best to escape... even into my own mind... but even when I do that, all it takes is a simple gesture from her to pull me back out... and I hate that I cannot even escape into my own mind when she doesn't want me to....

I just want to escape... play my video games, anything to get away and hope that I can push myself far enough away to where she cannot effect me... yet I try to leave, get so absorbed into what I am trying to do, but then some random thought causes her to just re-enter my consciousness.

Damnit, I would rearrange the stars in the skies if I could for her... but no matter what I would do.. no matter what I could do.... it will not ever change things. and so I lose hope... and I shut down... wanting to escape again... even though I know its not right, and I wish.... damnit, I just wish... I could hold her.

but I know.. I could never have that wish come true...
It feels so strange....... yet, I can only compare this feeling to one other time... once in my whole life... and its a feeling that I have tried to forget many times... because unlike before, where it is .... well... just a certainty that I nor anyone else could ever see or hear or feel her ever again, here is this beautiful woman right there in front of me and I can do nothing... I am totally powerless...